What's Left Of Me [Meredith & Derek]

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

It replayed over and over in his head. Derek Shepherd was haunted by the memory that plagued his mind, and though he did try, he was unable to devote his attention to anything else. Ten days ago, Gary Clark had entered the hospital. Ten days ago people had been traumatized by this one man, in the very place where they came for healing. It had been ten days since Derek Shepherd had stood eye to eye with death, a week and a half since he had been shot.

Thankfully, Derek had been discharged yesterday. He wouldn’t have been able to stand it for much longer, lying in that hospital bed with nothing to do but go over in his mind every second of that torturous day, thinking of things he could have done, should have done. Everyone had tiptoed around him, attempting to hide the devastating aftermath from him, though all he wanted was for someone to be straight with him. Tell him how many people were scarred beyond repair because he had Mr. Clark’s wife’s machine turned off. He blamed himself, despite knowing he shouldn’t. He hadn’t been the one who entered Seattle Grace, gun in hand. And he was confident in his previous decision, professionally; he had made the right choice, the death of Alison Clark hadn’t been his fault. None of this mattered now though. What had been done was done. No body could change it now and nothing could keep Derek from thinking about it, torturing himself with things he could have done differently.

Finally, he’d been discharged after what felt like months and Meredith had driven him home, carefully helped him up the steps to her house, and up the next flight of stairs to their room. Meredith had been amazing. She was amazing. And Derek couldn’t have asked for anyone else to be there for him. She had helped him when he hadn’t been able to move, sat next to his bed and talked when he himself couldn’t. She’d done everything she could possibly think of to enable him to think about something else. Anything else than what it was that clawed at his mind. But when Meredith left him to continue working, he felt more alone then he ever had. He was alike to Meredith in that he too wanted to return to work and pretend like nothing was different. Only, he physically couldn’t. He could barely move without pain shooting through his chest, pounding over every inch of his body.

And now, he lay in their bed half sitting up, half laying down reading as he waited for Meredith’s shift to end. He had days ago given up on sleeping, when that task proved so difficult. When he did manage to close his eyes and rest, all he saw was Mr. Clark, the gun and a devastated and distraught Meredith crouched over him trying to stop the bleeding and so, he’d given up on the idea of sleep.

He didn’t know everything yet, unable to bring himself to ask. He knew Cristina had heroically operated on him and Hunt and Karev, had too been shot. He also knew that Reed and Percy were dead and Mr. Clark had committed suicide. The details of his own surgery were sketchy, but right now, with so many other things to worry about he didn’t need to spend time worrying about himself. He was recovering, and that was all there was to it.

Derek sat up taller, cringing as the dull ache that resided in his body grew more aggressive, when he heard the front door open. He put the paperwork he had been attempting to do on the bedside table and waited for Meredith, hearing her make her way up the stairs.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

Ten days. It had been ten days since everyone’s world had been turned upside down. Ten days since she nearly lost her husband. Ten days since she had lost their child. Ten days could feel like an eternity when you had the world resting upon your shoulders. While the world wasn’t truly resting on Meredith’s shoulders, the secrets she kept from Derek could pass for it. She had yet to tell him about being pregnant and the miscarriage stemming from the shear stress of the day. How could she? She had yet to tell him about Mr. Clark pointing a gun in her face as she explained to him how killing her would be better than killing Derek. There were so many things she hadn’t told him. While she convinced others it was for the best due to his recovery, that was not the reason she was keeping these things from him.

It had been ten days since she failed as a mother. The first job of being a mother was safely keeping a baby inside her body for the nine month gestation period. Her first day of knowing she was to be a mom and the baby died. Fetus. The fetus was lost. Meredith had tried not to think of it as a baby because in all truth it was not yet developed enough to be considered one. Even so…how was she suppose to admit to Derek that she failed as a mother to their child? Like mother like daughter, she concluded.

As Derek enjoyed her company the past few days, Meredith prayed for the moments when she could go back to work. She hated feeling that way but there was no way around it. Being around him made her want kids… He made her want to be normal with houses and babies. At work, she was a surgeon. She didn’t have time to think about babies and houses. Cutting. Slicing. Holding organs in her hands. That was what she needed at the hospital.

When it was time for her shift to end and as she arrived home, an overwhelming wave of guilt struck her. Derek was in bed recovery from a gunshot wound and she had no physical injuries at all. With a deep sigh, she walked into the bedroom, smiling at her husband. “You have better stayed in the bed all day. You know you aren’t suppose to move around yet,” she warned him even though Meredith knew he was in too much pain to move. She was sure the idea had crossed his mind at least four times that day.

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek smiled at the sight of Meredith. He had never looked forward to seeing her as much as he had today. It was pathetic, he thought, wanting her to stay with him all day. It was as though being with Meredith convinced him it was ok. That they were ok, which was reassuring to say the very least. He was happy to see his wife smiling, even after what had happened to him. It wasn’t too long ago when something like this would have left Meredith with a completely different reaction, in a state that would have taken months to repair. But she was dealing with this well, really well. And Derek couldn’t have been more proud of her.

“Hmm, I can’t say that I didn’t consider getting out of this bed,” Derek answered, he’d thought about it countless times today. Wanting to get up and do something, go somewhere, anywhere. But even if he could get up without the pain being too overwhelming, the only place he could think of going was the hospital and right now, it was hard to imagine going back as Chief Shepherd, instead of just as a patient. “This bed is not nearly as fun without you in it,” he said, trying to brighten the mood he was in.

He hoped that Meredith would come over to the bed and sit down. He was almost embarrassed that he had to rely on her coming over to him just so that he could say hello and kiss his wife. These past ten days it had really bothered him, not being able to do things for himself and constantly having to depend on the kindness of Meredith and nurses to do things for him. It made it impossible for him to forget that he’d been shot and had come so close to death, not that he’d be able to forget that anyway, but nevertheless it made it harder. Thankfully, his recovery so far had been going smoothly and it seemed that every day moving got that little bit easier.

Derek couldn’t help but ask, “How was everything today?” The question was broad. The hospital, the staff, he didn’t even want to think about the media coverage that sprayed his hospital into the news. How had her day been, how was she doing? Meredith could answer his question how ever she wanted, because quite frankly he’d be happy to talk about anything.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

Meredith put on a smile as he spoke of the bed not nearly being as much fun without her. “I’m glad to hear it. My wifely duty is to make sure you are thoroughly entertained in this bed,” grinning from ear to ear as she sat next to him. The young doctor glanced up at the wall, seeing not only their blue post-it but also the picture of the threatening tumor Derek had drawn on the wall months before. This was their life and baby or not, she wasn’t going to go back to her dark and twisty place. Her mood may not be top notch from here on but they were in this together.

As that thought crossed her mind, another wave of guilt swept through her. They were in this together but she couldn’t find the nerve to tell him that she had had a miscarriage. Part of her desperately wanted him to know because he deserved to know things about his wife without her keeping secrets. Another part of Meredith realized that telling Derek about the miscarriage was also unfair to him. He shouldn’t have to be burdened by something else that had been lost that day.

“It was uneventful, “ she answered with an uneasy sigh. “No one wants me to scrub in on any of the upcoming surgeries. They think I need some time to recover considering…well, you know,” pausing as she wished she could phrase things better. “ But I’m a surgeon. Cutting is what I do.” In all honesty though, the site of blood, the site of anyone’s blood would only be a reminder of the blood she saw spilling from Derek or her own blood dripping down her leg…

“Do you want to sleep? I can lay down and read while you are,” she offered, knowing that it was difficult for him to sleep with what all had happened but she hoped it would be easier if she was with him. Then, it occurred to Meredith what she had yet to do. “ I haven’t kissed you today,” her voice truly showing how concerned she was by that fact. Quickly leaning over, she planted a large kiss directly on her husband’s lips.

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek returned her kiss, savouring the familiar taste of Meredith’s lips. A mix of coffee, something sweet and that flavour he had never been able to identify yet always associated with his wife’s soft lips. When their kiss broke, Derek gently took a hold of Meredith’s hand, her warm skin a comfort. With the little energy he managed to possess, he pulled her body closer to his, hoping she wouldn’t notice as he flinched slightly due to the sudden pain that spread over his chest at the movement.

Ignoring it, he had Meredith sit beside him. “I’m not tired,” Derek lied. He knew that was probably unbelievable and he was aware that Meredith knew of his recent troubles with sleeping. He hadn’t told her why he didn’t dare to even try and get some sleep, afraid that all he’d be able to see was Gary Clark standing in front of him, but he assumed that Meredith probably knew anyway. She usually did when it came to stuff like that. She’d married him with such caution, obviously uncertain about how their relationship would hold up and how she would be as a wife. But every day Derek was only more convinced by Meredith’s actions that she was amazing in every single way She was an amazing person and he was so grateful that she was here with him right now.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Derek completely content with just having the presence of his wife next to him. He thought about what Meredith said, about the hospital and surgery. “Everyone needs time to recover,” Derek said honestly. “They shouldn’t keep you out of the OR just because of what happened to me, though.” He knew Meredith would be eager to cut. Hell, if Derek physically could walk into that hospital, scrub in and feel confident in what he was doing he would go for it. Unfortunately, that was not the case. It was far from it. But keeping Meredith from surgery didn’t seem fair, not if she wanted in. “You are ready, aren’t you? To go back in there?” His voice was layered with a hint of uncertainty, not because he didn’t feel like Meredith could handle it, but because now when he thought of the OR, he was clouded with the thought of his own body on the table, Meredith’s best friend’s hands inside of him.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

“You’ve never been a good liar,” she said with a small smile as she moved over closer to him, trying to move quickly before he attempted to pull her over with the only amount of energy he could muster. While Meredith did know that he was lying, she wasn’t going to press him to go to sleep. He would when he needed to. If he wore himself out enough, perhaps he wouldn’t have to coax himself into slumber.

Everyone needs time to recover… she heard him say, but if only he knew what she was having to recover from. Without him knowing it, Meredith had gone to an OBGYN a few days after the shooting. It had to be done in order to see if she had a complete miscarriage. To have an incomplete miscarriage could pose problems in the future if ever they decided to actually try for a baby. As he continued to talk about the OR and how it wasn’t fair for her to be kept from it, she knew everyone had their different reasons for keeping her from surgery. Those who didn’t know her well but had heard talk of Meredith over the years thought she may be unstable to go into the OR considering her history with near death experience, ill parents, and overall screwed up life. Her friends thought she needed to spend time with her husband, which of course she did but she was no good to him if she was going crazy. Then…there was Owen Hunt. He didn’t let her into a surgery because he knew what she had lost the day of the shooting…

She stayed silent as Derek asked her if she was ready. That was a very understandable question but one she was unsure of the answer to. “Are you hungry? I can order something if you are,” instantly going to a new topic.

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek was well aware of Meredith’s successful attempt at changing the direction of their conversation. She obviously wasn’t ready, or was at least undecided about going back into the OR if she wasn’t able to answer him. He had truly thought she had wanted to go back to the hospital, in order to cut, in order to pretend like everything was the same as it had been. At least she had mustered the courage to even go back into the hospital and work. The whole staff had been amazing like that, already prepared to continue working despite the brutal events that occurred at their hospital. He wouldn’t push Meredith though, just as she didn’t seem to be trying to do to him. If Meredith wanted to talk about the hospital, about anything in more depth, she could and he hoped that she knew that. He was always going to be there for her, no matter what the issue. He just hoped everything was ok, with Meredith, the hospital and everyone who was back in it. It really bothered him that he couldn’t be there to check up on everything, make sure surgeries were running smoothly and even just to see Meredith working, another reminder that things could and were going back to normal.

“Food would be good,” Derek answered, realizing how hungry he was. For the first few days after his surgery he had barely eaten. He couldn’t eat, too shook up by everything and the fact that food wasn’t staying down so easily certainly didn’t help. But eventually that had all gotten easier. The picking at his food had subsided, and he’d returned to eating proper meals. Though, when it hurt to move and get up, going to actually get something to eat was quite a mission. “Did you already eat?” he asked Meredith. It was pretty late and she probably had already eaten something quickly at the hospital or on her way home, but then again she may not have and the idea of eating with Meredith seemed more appealing than eating by himself.

He allowed them to drift into small talk, what with Meredith having avoided his previous question. He wasn’t exactly eager to talk of anything of importance either, really and so it didn’t bother him. “How’s Karev doing?” he asked out of the blue. He knew Meredith had been going to see him, but he realized she probably hadn’t checked up on him as much as she may of liked, having these past ten days devoted so much time to him. He hadn’t wanted Meredith to feel burdened by him, but he felt as though he definitely had.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

Food hadn’t been on her mind much these days. In fact, the only reason she remembered to eat was because she had people around her that she was taking care of. Namely, Derek. When he ate, she would eat but if she was at the hospital and no one was constantly checking in on her then she may miss a few meals. “I had a bite at the hospital,” she said, getting up out of the bed. “I could eat again though,” adding as she flashed him a brief smile. There use to be a time when smiling was Meredith Grey’s least comfortable look but she was now proud to say that when she was around her husband, smiling was frequent.

Meredith searched through her night stand to see if there were any take out menus hidden away beneath the medical journal. Hopefully someone would still be open this late, though she doubted it greatly. If that were the case then they would be subjected to her cooking…or cereal. Derek knew at the beginning that she was never going to be the one to cook or even seemingly resemble a typical housewife and hopefully that was one of the reasons he loved her.

“Alex is doing better,” she answered while continuing to dig through the night stand. “I’ve been calling Izzie but I guess when she left Alex, she left all of us,” Meredith said finally with a frown playing upon her lips. Yet another thing to be upset about… “I think we’re going to have to settle for frozen dinners,” turning her head to meet Derek’s eyes.

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

“Thanks Mer,” Derek smiled when Meredith offered to eat with him. It was next to impossible for him to refrain from smiling despite how he felt, when he saw Meredith’s lips tug at a smile. She was absolutely beautiful when she smiled. Well, with or without a smile he thought that, it just made him feel better when he saw Meredith looking happier. It made him feel as though he was doing something right. He may not have been able to protect his hospital as well as he would have liked, but at least he knew he could make his wife feel better about things.

He watched as Meredith rummaged through the paperwork, medical journals and other things they had scattered on the night stand as she looked for some take out menus. Derek listened to what she said about her friends and instantly felt sympathy for her. Meredith had been though so much lately. She’d endured so many hardships with her family, the drama regarding Izzie, and to top that off not only had her friend been shot, but she had watched her husband receive a potentially life threatening gunshot wound. And still, she managed to smile and be the one comforting Derek through this. It was almost unbelievable. “Well, if there is anything I can do...” Derek tried to help, though he himself knew that there was very little he could do to bring Izzie back into their lives and help Alex recover any quicker than he was.

Derek chuckled lightly, that familiar throb returning to his chest when he did so. “I wouldn’t exactly trust anything else you could make,” Derek smiled. “A frozen dinner is fine.” He was almost becoming used to the pain his body acquired. He didn’t want Meredith to get up and go down stairs just yet, and so he held her hand. He felt that by doing that, he wouldn’t have to voice his desire for Meredith to stay with him for a little longer. He felt weak, like he’d let the hospital down. His staff, everyone there. The only thing he could honestly say he was pleased with himself about, was managing to stay alive. And really, he owed that thanks to Cristina. “I’m glad you’re home,” Derek said simply. The shooting had affected him dramatically, and that much was obvious.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

“I’m glad I’m home too,” Meredith responded quietly, wishing she could be certain in her own words. While she adored Derek completely, being at home pushed her to tell him everything that plagued her. The miscarriage affected her on the same level that Derek being shot had reached. Though the loss of Derek would have been too tragic for her to bare, the real issue with losing the hope of a new life brought upon her feelings of depression. She knew however that she had to be strong. She could not crumble when others so easily could. Meredith was stronger than that and had to be for the sake of her husband and friends.

As she sat on the bed, squeezing onto her husband’s hand, she wished she knew how to tell him everything. They weren’t supposed to keep secrets from one another. But how could she possible tell him this? Meredith had expected many things from herself. Being a surgeon…being a girlfriend….being more than ordinary but to actually admit that at one point in time she had the ability to be a mother astounded her.

” Derek, we need to talk about something,” her voice soft as she made the first attempt at the conversation she had been dreading for what felt like forever. Her blue eyes slipped over to her husband, watching his face as she tried to pinpoint his exact emotions as she came closer to what she was about to tell him. “I had a miscarriage,” and the words fell from her lips for only the second time after performing surgery on Owen. April and Hunt had been the only ones relatively close to her that knew of the miscarriage. Meredith didn’t even put it into words that she had had a miscarriage to the OBGYN. But there it was… out in the open. Her eyes quickly moved away from Derek once more, feeling that urge to be strong once more. “Everything is fine though. I had the check-up and it was still very early. Everything is fine.” If only it were that simple.

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek watched as his wife’s face turned serious. Derek, we need to talk about something. The look of concern that Meredith’s face held was enough to instantly concern Derek. There were about a million possibilities that he thought Meredith could be taking this, all of which were directly related to the hospital, the shooting and their relationship. Her expression had already said more than her words had so far, and Derek kept quiet as he waited for her to continue. Meredith’s eyes met with his and he knew whatever it was that needed to be discussed, was really bothering her. I had a miscarriage.

His chest hurt. An immediate stab of pain jabbed at his stomach, travelling up to his heart. He hurt. Though the physical pain subsided quickly, it was replaced by something worse. When he didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, she continued to explain the situation. A flood of emotions overwhelmed him, questions probing his mind, pleading for answers. She was okay. Everything is fine. Everything is fine? No, everything was not fine. How he hadn’t known his own wife had been pregnant, let alone suffered a miscarriage, he didn’t know. He didn’t know what to say. There were no words that described what he felt. In fact, every thought he could voice was ignored as he felt his eyes sting with the familiar prick of tears.

Derek looked at Meredith, her eyes had long since diverted his, finding comfort on everything but him. He wanted to tell her that as long as she was okay, everything was fine. He wanted to tell her that she could have told him sooner. But his voice would not allow him to do so. Meredith had a miscarriage, nothing was fine. And he knew if she had told him sooner, his body would have fallen merciless to the pain, only descending further due to the emotional weight of everything. He was in bed recovering from a gunshot wound, his wife had miscarried a baby he never knew existed, and there was nothing he could do to change either of those things. How could everything be fine?

“Meredith...” he barely managed. His voice crackled, drowned by the mix of confusion, hurt and pain that coursed through his body. Derek squeezed her hand. She was okay. Despite everything else, she would be alright. Meredith was being so strong; he had to pull it together. She deserved at least that much. “I had no idea,” his voice was weak. He hadn’t had any idea, and that was a painful fact. Perhaps, he hadn’t been paying attention. Had he been so self indulged and obsessed with everything he could have done differently, that he hadn’t realized Meredith had been through something as traumatic as this? Had he been so ignorant to notice any signs, any attempts she may have made to tell him? He didn’t know. There were about a thousand questions that he had no answers for. “When...?” When had this all happened? When had she even found out she was pregnant? “But you’re okay?” he gave her no time to answer his previous question. “You’re okay,” he tried to convince himself.

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

As Derek began talking, Meredith tried her hardest to keep her eyes on the floor. She couldn’t look at him. She just couldn’t. Her failure as a mother had been something she had kept relatively secret since her miscarriage. Cristina hadn’t even been told as far as she knew. Meredith took a deep breath and attempted to transform her voice into something of confidence. “I found out a little while ago. I was waiting for a good time to tell you but then it just didn’t work out,” shrugging her shoulders lightly as if this was nothing at all. What she had just told Derek was not a lie. She had found out a little while ago and before she had the chance to tell him, it was gone. All very true indeed. Why should she make him feel even worse over something that could not be changed?

“I’m fine,” she stated with a bit more confidence, albeit fake confidence. Perhaps Derek wasn’t the only one who needed convincing. Meredith wanted to appear strong but there was only so much she could handle. She was suppose to be the once dark and twisty one who could now handle hell if she was thrown into it. But apparently…she was not that person. “As far as miscarriages go, it was straight forward as possible.” That had been one of her main concerns after it happened. What if the trauma of the shooting had caused her irreparable damage? What if she couldn’t have children? Only time could truly tell so soon after it happened.

[Sorry it’s so short! I’m trying to get caught up as best I can. The next reply will be better! I promise. *tosses you candy*]

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek listened as Meredith continued, her tone and expression alarmingly calm. “Okay...” Derek eventually said after a few painfully long moments. He really didn’t know what to say to her. When Meredith said she was ‘fine,’ it generally meant she wasn’t. And right now, Derek didn’t know what to do or say to help her. Or himself, for that matter. Derek Shepherd was a man of many words, usually always having something to say in situations where talking seemed impossible. As a doctor you learnt to hear bad news, give bad new and act accordingly. Right now though, he really was speechless. Too overwhelmed by this unsettling news. And so, he didn’t say anything. He tugged at Meredith’s hand slightly, pulling her closer to him. He wanted to be close to Meredith, he wanted to hold her. He didn’t care if his body ached, or if his chest throbbed, this news drowned out all of the injuries he had sustained at the hospital. His scars didn’t sting with the reminder that he’d been shot and no longer did it matter what he had been through. All that mattered in this moment was Meredith and what had happened to her. What she'd lost. What they had lost.

His arms wrapped around her body, his lips touched her hair and the scent of lavender filled his nostrils. She was here and she was ok. That was all that he needed. Eventually he spoke, hiding the trembles in his voice. “I’m sorry.” For not being there. For getting shot. For everything. “The shooting... Was that when...?” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it. Derek felt a sudden rush of anger surge his veins. Gary Clark had entered his hospital, he’d killed his staff, he’d even shot him... He could deal with all this. He was devastated, like every one at Seattle Grace Mercy West, but if Meredith’s miscarriage was a result of Mr. Clark’s actions on that day... Well, that was too much. Derek Shepherd had never realized how much you could instantly miss something that you never even knew existed, when you discovered that it was gone. Until now.


[No worries... As long as there’s candy involved ]

[Dr. Meredith Grey]

Meredith had not cried once since learning of her miscarriage. Not once. But as she felt Derek’s face pressed into her hair and his arms wrapped around her, there was a strange moisture coming from her eyes. She was crying. Meredith thought she had bypassed the stage of mourning for something she barely even knew. Apparently she was wrong. As the tears trickled down her face, she took a deep breath of her husband’s hair. His smell always had a magical tendency about it; instantly calming her down no matter what the situation. When he mentioned the shooting, her tears became more powerful. She couldn’t hide the truth now even if she wanted to. “He came into the OR while Cristina was trying to save you,” Meredith began, staring up at Derek’s picture of the life altering tumor he drew on the wall. She was ready to tell him.

“He was going to shoot Cristina and then he was going to kill you. I…I offered myself to him. His eye for an eye. I am the common denominator between Richard, Lexie, and you… If he killed me, you all would suffer,” her eyes clouding over as she recounted that day. There were moments that were clear as crystal to her. Others however, despite being back to back to one another, were not so clear. “Then, Cristina stopped operating. Jackson had taken off your heart monitor. You…you were dead. I thought you were dead,” and then the tears became stronger once more. The pain she felt that day…the agonizing pain that hit her square in the stomach was what had finally caused her to lose the baby. Of course, it would never be proven but Meredith knew. “I can’t have a baby without you in the world Derek,” pausing for a moment as her dark side slipped out. “Apparently, I can’t have a baby even with you in the world,” and it was true. Meredith had found out Derek wasn’t actually dead and still she had a miscarriage. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be…

[Dr. Derek Shepherd]

Derek felt his heart break for Meredith as she recounted the events of that tragic day. He could almost count on one hand the amount of times he had seen his wife cry like this and so when Derek saw the tears that fell from her eyes and stained her cheeks, he knew how hard this must be for her. She’d kept it all together since the shooting, for ten days she hadn’t told him any of these things and despite it being almost two weeks after the initial incident; it did not make it any easier to hear. In fact, it made it even harder to comprehend, if that was even possible. Meredith had offered herself up to Mr. Clark, so that the man wouldn’t kill him. And that was beyond hard to hear. He didn’t even notice as the tears that had previously threatened to leak from his own eyes escaped and silently rolled down his cheek. He was too engrossed in what Meredith was saying to notice. Or to care, for that matter.

When she finished speaking, Derek instantly pulled her closer to him, her body as physically close to his as it could be. And even then, she felt too far away. “Meredith...” her name fell from his lips softly. “Don’t say that,” Derek said in response to her final statement, too unsure of what to say about anything else. “Please don’t say that.” Meredith had been through hell and back, and Derek himself was torn up over the experiences that Meredith had been exposed to. He’d seen Meredith on the brink of death a couple of years ago, and he’d also stood point blank to Mr. Clark’s gun, but he couldn’t imagine what Meredith was feeling. He wasn’t sure how to comfort her, how to promise her everything would be fine when he himself didn’t completely believe it. All he knew was that he had to be there for her. They would work through this together. They had to work through this together. “We can get through this, Mer... We can.” It helped to say it out loud.

“I love you so much,” his voice was muffled as his face rested once more in her soft hair, his arms wrapped around her fragile body, unwilling to let her go. He wished he could have protected her. He wished she had never had to deal with something like this. Meredith had barely accepted the idea of having children some day and after this, Derek knew he would need to be there for her even more than he had been. He needed to show her that they would be alright, that he’d always be there for her no matter what the situation. But most importantly, he needed her to understand that what had happened, it wasn’t some twisted way of the Universe telling them that it wasn’t meant to be. It was a horrible coincidence that Gary Clark had entered the hospital before Meredith had been able to tell him and then as a result, suffered a miscarriage. It was a truly devastating chance link of events, but that was all it was.

Derek hated knowing that Meredith had too, been on the verge of death as she offered her life to the killer in exchange for his to be spared. He couldn’t imagine his life without Meredith and he didn’t want to. They could get through this, move passed all the brutal memories of that day and be happy. They could. “We’ll get through this,” Derek said once again.


[Sorry that I keep making my replies so long. I can't help myself! ]